Constructing a Leading Lady: Beyonce's Legs? Biel's Butt? Simpson's Bust? Perfection.
Remember that MTV show I Want a Famous Face? The reality show featured seemingly normal young adults who were turning to plastic surgery in the hope of looking like their favorite celebrity. But, as your neighborhood Kinko’s girl will tell you, copies are not normally as sharp as the original.
It got us thinking though. What if you could construct the perfect Hollywood woman? Imagine the possibilities.
So as the only two DocShop writers who don’t require extensive cosmetic augmentation, we have saved you the trouble and taken it upon ourselves to construct the perfect woman. And, like the most delicious of combo meals, she was mixed-and-matched to perfection.
The Perfect Face
Ashley: You know, I’m not big into noses. Or rather, I’m not into big noses. So this one goes to Kate Hudson. Her nose is the perfect combination of proportion and cuteness.
Jeff: Wrong. The correct answer is Kate Beckinsale. It’s button-like and adorable. And, while unrelated, her British accent rubs me in all the right ways.
Ashley: Liv Tyler has eyes that every girl wants. She’s got that smoldering, sexy look goin’ all the time.
Jeff: You’re one-for-two. Her eyes are enchanting. What are they, silver? They’re so bangin’, Liv Tyler is hot even with elf ears.
Jeff: I desperately tried to avoid selecting the obvious candidate, Angelina Jolie, for this category. And guess what? I succeeded. Scarlett Johansen is a perfect selection. In fact, ignore all my previous selections and all those that follow; Scarlett Johansen is perfect.
(You think after reading this that she’ll contact me?)
Ashley: For the record, let it be known that I had to talk Jeff out of his original (and quite cliché) choice for lips. Scarlett Johansen takes the cake for this one. And no, Jeff, I don’t think she’ll contact you. Sorry.
Jeff: Is hair seriously a category? Can I just say, “yes, please?” Okay, Nicole Kidman. She’s pulled off nearly every hair color and a bunch of different styles.
Ashley: Okay, first of all, Nicole Kidman has not pulled off nearly every hair color or style. To pull something off, I think you actually have to look good doing it. And she doesn’t…at least not most of the time. Obvious one here, ladies: Jennifer Aniston. Who hasn’t worn the “Rachel”? She has good hair on days when she doesn’t even try.
Jeff (rebuttal): I, for one, have never “worn the Rachel.” What does that even mean? Have you seen Moulin Rouge? (I haven’t. That would be lame.) But had I seen it, I would have fallen head-over-heels for Nicole Kidman’s fiery locks… and for how she delivered the gut-wrencher “Come What May” at the end before she tragically died.
Jeff: Picture this: The movie, Kill Bill. The actress, Lucy Liu. The outfit, skin-tight leather. Boy, her cheeks were awesome.
Ashley: Yeah, I’m sure Lucy Liu’s cheeks really stood out in that leather. But I think Halle Barry’s high cheek bones would accentuate any face.
The Perfect Body
Jeff: Now we get to the good stuff.
Ashley: There is one obvious answer for this category and it is not Pamela Anderson (bigger is not always better, ladies). Have you seen the new Hanes® commercial? Jennifer Love Hewitt’s got just the right amount.
Jeff: Jennifer Love Hewitt is darling. Jessica Simpson is the answer. What she lacks in musical talent she makes up for in…
Jeff: Without trying to sound like a sexist pig, Evangeline Lilly’s crazy hot. I’d get lost with her anytime. Me, her, deserted isle… we’d have no need for “others.”
Ashley: Congratulations, Jeff, you sound like a sexist pig without even trying. Jessica Alba’s abs are fierce. ‘Nuff said.
Jeff: My girlfriend dragged me to see Dream Girls. Congratulations, Beyoncé, you didn’t win an Academy Award, but if they awarded an Oscar® for legs, you’d be a shoe in.
(Have I really admitted to seeing both Dream Girls and Moulin Rouge? Man up! I love the fight scene in Rambo III.)
Ashley: So you’re a sexist pig who loves chick flicks. While I’ll admit that Beyoncé was on my list for hottest pair of legs, Jessica Simpson is the obvious winner here. Beyoncé does make a better album though. At least the last time I checked.
Jeff: Though I’m not intimately familiar with her body of work, Kim Kardashian is the winner here. Her derrière is so fine, it earned her a reality TV show on E! Entertainment Television. Not even J-Lo can say that.
Ashley: Kim Kardashian isn’t even a celebrity! But Jessica Biel is, and she has a cute tush. I bet it would look great on Jessica Simpson’s legs.
You Be the Judge
So what do our celebrity plastic surgery creations really look like?
Maybe we can agree that plastic surgery isn’t a solution for everything, but the verdict is still out on which Hollywood leading ladies have the best features.
Interested in which Hollywood men take the top spots on our list of most desired male celebrity features? Check back next month when Ashley and Jeff construct the perfect leading man.
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